Page 24 - 2021 Summer CMTA Report

WHAT’S ON
YOUR MIND?
ASk DAVID.
David Tannenbaum answers
questions from readers in
his column “What’s On Your
Mind? Ask David” regularly in
The CMTA Report. David has
an LCSW degree and has
been a psychotherapist in
New York City for the past 30
years, specializing in helping
others with the task of grow-
ing emotionally and spiritually
through physical challenges.
“My CMT has been my great-
est challenge and my best
teacher in life,” says David.
24 THE CMTA REPORT SUMMER 2021
Dear David,
My wife and I have been married for 22 years. I am blessed to
have a good marriage. We have no children by choice and have
been fine with that decision. Although I have known about my
CMT for years, it’s only recently that I have had a tough time
of it. My balance seems to be worsening, and there has been
some weakening in my hands. I have always been very active
and take pride in being able to fix things around the house and
would never think of calling and paying a handyman to do what
I think I can do just as well. My wife tells me it’s a matter of my
“macho pride.” The other day my well-meaning wife offered to
help me with a difficult project. I snapped at her and told her I
didn’t need any help! I apologized later, but I felt terrible that I
lost it with the most important person in my life. I always think
of myself as a gentle and soft-spoken guy but these outbursts
seem to be happening more often. What’s going on?
David Replies:
I’ve always been useless around the house, better at breaking things than
fixing them, and I’ve never had any trouble calling a handyman for help so I
think I can shed some light on this.
I suspect that your feelings around losing some ability to help around the
house have been building for some time. Since CMT progresses so gradually,
we often don’t recognize in the moment when we are not able to do
something that we could previously do without any trouble. In that moment of
awareness, we can experience a sinking feeling that makes us feel awful and
causes us to project into the future some worst-case scenario.
Your lashing out at your spouse is not about her but about some pain or fear
you have probably been suppressing. Our anger is more accessible than the
sadness of acknowledging our physical losses and sadness and fear often
gets expressed as anger. Allowing these feelings to surface means that we
have to experience emotions that make us feel weak and out of control,
feelings that we don’t like acknowledging to ourselves, let alone to our
intimate partners.
In truth, these are human emotions that everyone has throughout life. Your
anger at your wife is about pushing away someone who knows you well
at a time when you want to remain invisible. Perhaps in that moment of
experiencing these difficult feelings, you actually needed a loving embrace
from someone who knows how hard it is for you and wants to assure you that
you are not alone. That could have been a very tender moment for both of
you. When we don’t let our loved ones see what we are going through, we
remain isolated. In addition, those feelings of unexpressed fear or sadness
can turn into depression if they remain frozen.
If you are able to express some of these uncomfortable emotions, you can
then make room for other feelings like acceptance, peace, intimacy and the
motivation to live the best life you can with what you have. For those of you
reading this who have friends or loved ones with CMT, take a moment to ask
them once in a while, “Are you ok?” Just those simple words can convey a lot
of caring and love. If the response you get is a quick, “I’m fine,” don’t be afraid
to ask again. Let’s not be afraid of feelings. Once acknowledged, we can then
let them go. It’s only when we deny their existence that they prevent us from
feeling truly alive.